Haven’t been here for a while, guess I just needed somewhere to write about how I’m actually feeling…
I can’t really talk to people around me about how I feel, it’s like being misunderstood and it really doesn’t help my mental state. I know that they all have good intentions and they want to make sure I’m okay. It’s reassuring to know I have a support system that is here for me. Regardless of how I should feel all I can say is…
Im lost.
I don’t see a long road ahead of me. I’m confused about what I want in life. I don’t know how to feel about anything because at times it’s like I can’t feel at all. There’s a hole in my soul that seems like nothing can heal or fill it. Any form of happiness I can find is temporary. Everyone around me deserves a better person than me in their lives and that thought keeps me up most nights. Life feels like a disappointment and so do I.
I can feel my depression. It’s a void. It sucks in anything good that comes near. It makes clear sky’s dark like the night. It turns positive thoughts into negative emotions. It takes time as if I had an endless amount and wastes it away without a second thought. I feel it slowly get worse, like watching yourself sink in quicksand.
I can feel my anxiety. All the little decisions that shouldn’t be hard feel like it’s a matter of life or death. Changes that I have no control over make my mind spin. Choices make me feel like I’m being forced to decide as if everything is an end all be all. New things make my heart drop and my stomach sink, an uncomfortable feeling that words can’t really describe.
The mixture of my depression and anxiety create the perfect storm. It made me suicidal before, but now it just makes me sad. I feel like a coward. I can’t function 6 days out of the week.
I guess I’ll just go to sleep.
Loneliness is a hell of a drug. It’ll make you doubt your sanity, loyalty, and even your self worth. It’ll make you act different around others and sometimes it will make you so apathetic that you almost seem numb. It can hurt so much, but its so addicting because it is more comfortable and easier than putting yourself out there…
Back to thoughts that shouldn’t be in my head… pitch black in my room I can barely breathe. My chest feels so heavy and I can’t stop the thundering sound of my heart. I just want to sleep. Close my eyes and drift off until I can’t feel anything. My eyelids are heavy and my eyes are dry but I can’t stop staring at the abyss. I feel at home. Tired, restless, hopeless, and miserable. I’ve been this way so long I don’t know if I can be any other way. I’ve faced my demons and won, just to end up worse. No one tells you just because you win a battle doesn’t mean you come out better. I’ve searched for my peace of mind and found hell. An endless loop of pain and regrets. Lessons that should have been learned. Things I purposely put myself through only to watch it all burn. I guess I’m just as unloveable as I’ve always wanted to be. Sitting in the mess I’ve made and I can’t figure out why I made it in the first place. You get what you earn and I have earned my place.